The following was written by my little sister to help her remember her brother who left while she was so young. With her permission, I'm posting this here because it really touched me.
Mitchell Parker is my big brother. He is tall, chubby and funny. He has a big nose, feet and heart. He loves to help people and will never give up on them. His hazel eyes stare into your soul and try to fix you. His luscious dark brown curls and cute Jew boo face taunt you. Mitch is a chill person who dramatizes everything and doesn’t always say the right thing, but he always tries.
Mitchell died on Thursday, February 25, 2016. My confidence, happiness and grit all disappeared that day. The day my mother screamed until her throat throbbed. The day my sister Brittany laid wide-awake in complete shock and the day I found my bed and cried myself to sleep. One week passed and while I lived in denial my family members planned his funerals. One funeral was held on March 3 at a cemetery in Utah where my sister Brittany poured her heart out about her husband.
The second funeral was held on March 5 in Washington where Brittany touched hundreds of lives Mitch had touched before her. I tried to be there for Brittany but March 4 had been the second anniversary of the day Mitch proposed to Britt. Honestly none of us could hold any of our crap together yet somehow Brittany did for both funerals. Her faith glowed through her several testimonies like a match lit in a dark room illuminating the lives of everyone she saw. Both cemetery visits were just family but two meetings were also held. Each meeting had hundreds of people that Mitch had touched and loved.
He is still with us. Brittany, Maren and I have seen him in dreams and everyday life. I am determined to think that Mitch fixed our ice machine in the fridge magically after two years of problems. He served a mission in Brazil and learned to speak Portuguese. He would watch videos of how to fix and build things he didn’t even own. He has a very high tolerance for physical pain but is a sucker when it comes to romance. He is deeply in love with my sister and protects her every step of the way. He loves babies completely and wanted to have his own. Basically, Mitch is the best thing that has ever happened to my family.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Day 48
In the depth of my sorrow, I am here to tell you that the pain, anguish, grief and despair that will inevitably come to you in this life will not be for nothing. These impossibly dark times will help you realize that everything you ever wanted to become comes at the steep price you will be called to pay. Everything you ever wanted to be is on the other side of the thing that scares you most.
I've always wanted to be brave, strong & relentless. I've always wanted to know that no matter what storms came, my feet would be firmly planted on sacred ground. I wanted to know that when the waves of adversity crashed against me, I'd have a firm grasp on the iron rod with eyes fixed on the Savior of the world, Jesus Christ. I know now.
My bravery has been born on my knees as a daughter of God weeping, inconsolable, teeth chattering and desperate for relief. My strength will be rooted in the absolute weakness of my body, mind and spirit that has overwhelmed me since the night almost everything I loved was taken away. I will be relentless in my fight against the adversary because I will NEVER FORGET the nights tightly clenching the clothing of the man I love, wet with tears and not accepting anything but my own worthiness to join him in the Celestial Kingdom. I have been asked to walk through the refiner's fire, to bear this unimaginable burden but I know I will emerge more glorious and brave and strong and relentless than I ever thought possible. My worst nightmare is no longer losing those I love in this life. My worst nightmare is not being worthy enough to stand with them and God when I return home when my mission on earth is finished.
I still stare down an uncharted and impossibly long path of grief but I know this, at this very moment. This. is. not. for. nothing. “Pain is like fabric: The stronger it is, the more it’s worth.” (John Green, Fault in our Stars) There is no pain you will ever endure that will not result in your becoming stronger and more deserving of the blessings that await you because of it. I know there will come a day when each of us will say, "Is that all that was required?" We must have faith and trust Him who knows our hearts best. He knows our deepest desires and our capacity to endure trials on earth. He will push us TO THE BRINK but He will never leave us to do it alone and he will always reward us. "They that wait upon [Him] shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles." (Isaiah 40:31)
I will not let this tragedy define the course of my life in a negative way. For Mitch, I cannot do anything less than my absolute best. He knows I can do this and he expects me to do this. I will never, never give up. I love you today and forever, Mitch.
NEVER, EVER forget: You are a child of God who loves you immeasurably. He knows your name. He will carry you through every difficulty you will ever face. Of this, I know.
"You may be afraid, angry, grieving or tortured by doubt. But just as the Good Shepherd finds His lost sheep, if you will only lift up your heart to the Savior of the world, He will find you. He will rescue you. He will lift you up and place you on His shoulders. He will carry you home."
I've always wanted to be brave, strong & relentless. I've always wanted to know that no matter what storms came, my feet would be firmly planted on sacred ground. I wanted to know that when the waves of adversity crashed against me, I'd have a firm grasp on the iron rod with eyes fixed on the Savior of the world, Jesus Christ. I know now.
My bravery has been born on my knees as a daughter of God weeping, inconsolable, teeth chattering and desperate for relief. My strength will be rooted in the absolute weakness of my body, mind and spirit that has overwhelmed me since the night almost everything I loved was taken away. I will be relentless in my fight against the adversary because I will NEVER FORGET the nights tightly clenching the clothing of the man I love, wet with tears and not accepting anything but my own worthiness to join him in the Celestial Kingdom. I have been asked to walk through the refiner's fire, to bear this unimaginable burden but I know I will emerge more glorious and brave and strong and relentless than I ever thought possible. My worst nightmare is no longer losing those I love in this life. My worst nightmare is not being worthy enough to stand with them and God when I return home when my mission on earth is finished.
I still stare down an uncharted and impossibly long path of grief but I know this, at this very moment. This. is. not. for. nothing. “Pain is like fabric: The stronger it is, the more it’s worth.” (John Green, Fault in our Stars) There is no pain you will ever endure that will not result in your becoming stronger and more deserving of the blessings that await you because of it. I know there will come a day when each of us will say, "Is that all that was required?" We must have faith and trust Him who knows our hearts best. He knows our deepest desires and our capacity to endure trials on earth. He will push us TO THE BRINK but He will never leave us to do it alone and he will always reward us. "They that wait upon [Him] shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles." (Isaiah 40:31)
I will not let this tragedy define the course of my life in a negative way. For Mitch, I cannot do anything less than my absolute best. He knows I can do this and he expects me to do this. I will never, never give up. I love you today and forever, Mitch.
NEVER, EVER forget: You are a child of God who loves you immeasurably. He knows your name. He will carry you through every difficulty you will ever face. Of this, I know.
"You may be afraid, angry, grieving or tortured by doubt. But just as the Good Shepherd finds His lost sheep, if you will only lift up your heart to the Savior of the world, He will find you. He will rescue you. He will lift you up and place you on His shoulders. He will carry you home."
Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Friday, April 8, 2016
Day 43
Well, I moved back home. It was a tough but logical next step, I just need somewhere I can stay for a little while and regroup. So far it's been okay. Spring in Seattle is my absolute favorite time & place and the rocky Puget Sound beaches have already been a nice refuge for my broken heart. It's nice to see so many things alive, bright and thriving even though everything in my heart feels so dark and dead. It's a constant promise of new life.
There are, however, many things that scare me about this place. I'm scared to go to the Seattle Temple. I know someday, hopefully soon, I will want to. But for now, it hurts to even think about. I'm scared to go to the spot we had our reception. The memory of him taking me there during Christmas break and boldly telling me "This is where our reception will be!" before I had agreed to marry him is still too fresh in my mind. And most of all, I'm scared of visiting his grave. Because he's not there. Visiting his grave would almost reaffirm my deepest fear that he IS just in the ground. But he is not. He is with me. Anywhere and everywhere I go. Everyone does this differently, many people find a lot of solace in graves. I honestly used to love walking around the cemetery near my old house in Provo, trying to visualize the people that were buried there. Imagining it as more of a gathering place of people than a field full of bodies. But now, it's Mitch's body. And that body is too special to me. Too sacred. It's hard to explain but I don't see myself finding great comfort where his mortal body lies. At least, not yet.
So for now, I go to Mitch in nature. I go to Mitch through meditation and prayer. I see him in this city we love and yearned to live one day together as a family. I see him in the sailboats on the Puget Sound. I feel him in the damp pacific northwest air. I see him in the technology of any place I am. I feel his presence with me where ever I go. I know he is with me. This place where we were once dumb teenagers too obsessed with each other to care about anything else. This place where his pure heart won me over, I couldn't help but love him. I couldn't escape the most true thing in my life, that we were meant to love each other for as long as we could on earth. I love him more with each passing day. I miss him with every cell of my mortal body and with every ounce of my soul. I wish that was enough to bring him back to me, or me to him.
This morning, I remembered how he used to tease me for being so "terminal" whenever I got sick. I'd lay in bed, moaning and groaning & wishing death upon myself. On multiple occasions I can remember saying, "Just leave me here to die" half joking, half serious. Oh, how I knew nothing of what it felt to actually want to die. He rarely was slowed down by sickness so he would roll his eyes at me whenever I would spiral down into my terminal attitude. "You're fine, Britt." he'd say. This morning, when I remembered this, I thought of Mitch seeing me now, completely useless & I could imagine him telling me to at least try to stop being so terminal about all of this. He was always so blunt and honest. I know he'd tell me that I would be okay, that I would get through this. But also, I think of his beautiful eyes, full of sympathy and love that moment he left me at the airport while I had the stomach flu. He hugged me and then held my shoulders. The look in his eyes said everything, I will never forget it. It was the look of desperately wanting to take it away, or at least to be able to travel with me and make sure I was okay.
I like to imagine that he's battling these conflicting thoughts right now. Desperately wanting to take it away & wanting me to try a little harder to be a little less pathetic. I'm trying my best, Mitch! I really really am. If there's anything you can do on your end, that would be fantastic.
I love you, Mitch. Every day, every moment, every second.
"It is true. We live to die, and we die to live again. From an eternal perspective the only death that is truly premature is the death of one who is not prepared to meet God."
There are, however, many things that scare me about this place. I'm scared to go to the Seattle Temple. I know someday, hopefully soon, I will want to. But for now, it hurts to even think about. I'm scared to go to the spot we had our reception. The memory of him taking me there during Christmas break and boldly telling me "This is where our reception will be!" before I had agreed to marry him is still too fresh in my mind. And most of all, I'm scared of visiting his grave. Because he's not there. Visiting his grave would almost reaffirm my deepest fear that he IS just in the ground. But he is not. He is with me. Anywhere and everywhere I go. Everyone does this differently, many people find a lot of solace in graves. I honestly used to love walking around the cemetery near my old house in Provo, trying to visualize the people that were buried there. Imagining it as more of a gathering place of people than a field full of bodies. But now, it's Mitch's body. And that body is too special to me. Too sacred. It's hard to explain but I don't see myself finding great comfort where his mortal body lies. At least, not yet.
So for now, I go to Mitch in nature. I go to Mitch through meditation and prayer. I see him in this city we love and yearned to live one day together as a family. I see him in the sailboats on the Puget Sound. I feel him in the damp pacific northwest air. I see him in the technology of any place I am. I feel his presence with me where ever I go. I know he is with me. This place where we were once dumb teenagers too obsessed with each other to care about anything else. This place where his pure heart won me over, I couldn't help but love him. I couldn't escape the most true thing in my life, that we were meant to love each other for as long as we could on earth. I love him more with each passing day. I miss him with every cell of my mortal body and with every ounce of my soul. I wish that was enough to bring him back to me, or me to him.
This morning, I remembered how he used to tease me for being so "terminal" whenever I got sick. I'd lay in bed, moaning and groaning & wishing death upon myself. On multiple occasions I can remember saying, "Just leave me here to die" half joking, half serious. Oh, how I knew nothing of what it felt to actually want to die. He rarely was slowed down by sickness so he would roll his eyes at me whenever I would spiral down into my terminal attitude. "You're fine, Britt." he'd say. This morning, when I remembered this, I thought of Mitch seeing me now, completely useless & I could imagine him telling me to at least try to stop being so terminal about all of this. He was always so blunt and honest. I know he'd tell me that I would be okay, that I would get through this. But also, I think of his beautiful eyes, full of sympathy and love that moment he left me at the airport while I had the stomach flu. He hugged me and then held my shoulders. The look in his eyes said everything, I will never forget it. It was the look of desperately wanting to take it away, or at least to be able to travel with me and make sure I was okay.
I like to imagine that he's battling these conflicting thoughts right now. Desperately wanting to take it away & wanting me to try a little harder to be a little less pathetic. I'm trying my best, Mitch! I really really am. If there's anything you can do on your end, that would be fantastic.
I love you, Mitch. Every day, every moment, every second.
"It is true. We live to die, and we die to live again. From an eternal perspective the only death that is truly premature is the death of one who is not prepared to meet God."
Russell M. Nelson
Friday, April 1, 2016
What You Should Know About Mitch
It would be easy to inflate Mitch's strengths in a post like this but I honestly don't have to. Looking back on his life has made me realize -- of course he was ready for a new assignment. He freaking aced this life. As frustrating as that is, I have confidence that he's rocking his new responsibilities. That makes me so proud.
Mitch is obsessed with learning new things. There was nothing he thought he couldn't do. He'd get these ideas and then not sleep until he accomplished them. Even if they were...kind of dumb? For example, he wanted to figure out how to set up a phone server. It would act as a landline for our house. I kept saying, "Landlines are over! We have cell phones!" but he didn't care. He wanted to see if he could do it...and he did. He used a raspberry pi to create an arcade machine. He taught himself to play guitar. He learned to speak Portuguese so well that people in Brazil assumed he was Brazilian. He taught himself to code. He taught himself how to build computers, set up servers and create websites. He could fix anything with an engine. We went up to Rexburg with our friends last summer and he helped their grandpa get the jetski running. He had never even ridden one before. His hands were rough, covered in scars and usually dirty.
Mitch serves others. Need your computer fixed? He's there. Your car is making weird sounds? He'd love to look at it. Struggling through your computer science class? He'll forgo his own academic responsibilities to help you. He is generous, almost to a fault. One of our first dates after his mission he took me to a warehouse where we helped package clothes for people in Africa. He told me on many occasions how much he wanted to serve with our children and teach them the absolute importance of it.
Mitch adores children. He'd fight you to hold the newborn. If there were children present, he was on the floor playing with them. He loved babysitting my niece with me. He even did it by himself when I had to work. As a teenager, he mentioned to me more than once how beautiful he thought pregnant women were. Is that the weirdest thing ever? Or the sweetest? He couldn't wait for me to be pregnant and talked about it all the time -- how he'd have a chocolate stash for me, how he would be so good at dealing with my crazy mood swings.
Mitch is super competitive. He would NEVER go easy on me. When we discovered I was better than him at Mario Kart Double Dash, he worked tirelessly until he could beat me. And he did! We even did time trials of Baby Park a million times, each time beating the others time. In the end, his time is the fastest. I'm glad about that. We used to play pong (like old school video game) at this store next to our favorite restaurant and I could never beat him! He had such a huge smile on his face every time, too.
Mitch loves deeply. I never knew I could ever be loved like he loves me. He loves my crazy. He never cared what I looked like. He'd kiss me when I had morning breath. He'd hug me so tight after I had a tough day. He would drop anything to help me. Recently, we went to dinner and while we were walking to the restaurant someone honked at me because I was walking too far into the street and they couldn't get by. I felt dumb and immediately hopped over to the sidewalk. I looked over at Mitch and he was furious, "I wish I could have given that guy a piece of my mind. No one honks at my wife". It really wasn't a big deal, but it made me smile that he was so defensive of me. He loves me fiercely.
Mitch was (and I'm sure still is) an amazing missionary. He had this super blunt way of sharing the gospel that you couldn't help but accept. He never doubted. He loves Jesus Christ. He loves the scriptures. He never got stressed out about not doing enough to further the gospel because he always was. He just got it.
Mitch is so silly. He could ALWAYS make me laugh. He'd come home from work and say, "Yo, my bae. You is fine." and I died every time. He could make anyone laugh.
and a million other things. I miss him.
It is such a privilege to be your wife, Mitch. I love you forever. I am so proud of you.
Mitch is obsessed with learning new things. There was nothing he thought he couldn't do. He'd get these ideas and then not sleep until he accomplished them. Even if they were...kind of dumb? For example, he wanted to figure out how to set up a phone server. It would act as a landline for our house. I kept saying, "Landlines are over! We have cell phones!" but he didn't care. He wanted to see if he could do it...and he did. He used a raspberry pi to create an arcade machine. He taught himself to play guitar. He learned to speak Portuguese so well that people in Brazil assumed he was Brazilian. He taught himself to code. He taught himself how to build computers, set up servers and create websites. He could fix anything with an engine. We went up to Rexburg with our friends last summer and he helped their grandpa get the jetski running. He had never even ridden one before. His hands were rough, covered in scars and usually dirty.
Mitch serves others. Need your computer fixed? He's there. Your car is making weird sounds? He'd love to look at it. Struggling through your computer science class? He'll forgo his own academic responsibilities to help you. He is generous, almost to a fault. One of our first dates after his mission he took me to a warehouse where we helped package clothes for people in Africa. He told me on many occasions how much he wanted to serve with our children and teach them the absolute importance of it.
Mitch is super competitive. He would NEVER go easy on me. When we discovered I was better than him at Mario Kart Double Dash, he worked tirelessly until he could beat me. And he did! We even did time trials of Baby Park a million times, each time beating the others time. In the end, his time is the fastest. I'm glad about that. We used to play pong (like old school video game) at this store next to our favorite restaurant and I could never beat him! He had such a huge smile on his face every time, too.
Mitch was (and I'm sure still is) an amazing missionary. He had this super blunt way of sharing the gospel that you couldn't help but accept. He never doubted. He loves Jesus Christ. He loves the scriptures. He never got stressed out about not doing enough to further the gospel because he always was. He just got it.
Mitch is so silly. He could ALWAYS make me laugh. He'd come home from work and say, "Yo, my bae. You is fine." and I died every time. He could make anyone laugh.
and a million other things. I miss him.
It is such a privilege to be your wife, Mitch. I love you forever. I am so proud of you.
