Day 85

I don't really know why I chose to start blogging as my method of coping but I know now that it was not by accident. I'm still unsure for who specifically or what exact purpose but I feel strongly that this is something I need to do. I say this because sometimes I fear I'm putting too much out there, letting people see too much of my very tender and broken heart -- but I'm working on silencing that fear. It is frightening to tell the sometimes ugly story of grief in a world that would rather brush such topics under the rug and watch puppy videos. I'm certainly not against happy puppy videos, but I'm not against the truth either. We all are so much more than what we typically post on the internet. I believe we are all far more complex, dark and twisty than we are comfortable accepting ourselves, let alone letting the world see. I believe these parts of us are important. And so, I will continue with my dark and twisty tale, its moments of peace and hope while casting it onto the backdrop of my testimony of the gospel. I do this so that we may all face our own realities, see the hope through the often cruel and unfair circumstances of our lives and make sense of this journey together. 

I have been very grateful to have few regrets about my marriage. I can honestly say I took every chance to tell Mitch I loved him, I often told him how grateful I was that he never gave up on dating me even when I made it pretty easy for him to walk away. I have never wished that I had one last chance to tell him I love him, because I KNOW he knows. I know he hears me say it in my prayers every night. And there's never been a question in my mind of how much he loves me, I am so grateful for that. Sure, we had disagreements like every couple but they couldn't even begin to touch the deep and eternal love we share for each other. Our spirits love each other and it's a connection I will always cherish.

The thing I wish I could run from is not regret, but guilt. As many times as I can tell myself "Mitch wants you to be happy. He wants you to create a new beautiful life" I cannot accept it. I have a degree in psychology for heaven's sake, but I cannot move past this crippling guilt that I know is irrational. It is so much to process. In my current state, I just cannot imagine anything worth looking forward to and it's so easy to tell myself that the best times of my life are over. I think, "sure, I can hang on...but that's it. I can keep holding on as long as it doesn't entail having to accept this reality and move on". I know how crazy that sounds but until you're in it, you can't imagine how real it feels. I remember the things I used to love, the things I used to do...but none of it appeals to me anymore. I am hoping time and prayer will be my remedy for this. I'm hoping that hanging on can suffice for now.

This tragedy has really put my priorities into perspective. I've traded in my few minutes of daily prayer, study and meditation for hours. I've traded in reading dumb Buzzfeed articles for general conference talks, the scriptures and books on the hereafter. I listen to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir pandora station on days that aren't Sunday. It has changed my life and my relationship to God. I don't think it's something I can keep up forever (at this level) and I don't even think God would expect me to because there are other things that are also important (career goals, friendships, etc.) that have taken the back burner in my life for now. All of these changes have really occurred so naturally in a way I would not have anticipated. When everything hurts, it's natural to gravitate towards anything that can provide even momentary relief. These are my things. I hope I will keep them a top priority throughout my life.

But, dear reader, you've learned by now that I will be nothing but honest here. These things do not take the pain away. They cannot and they will not because the pain is important. The pain changes you. But! They do help, I promise. I've tried many different avenues of distraction from the pain, and I promise you the basic seminary answers really are the most effective. There isn't enough ice cream in the world or episodes of Friends to keep you from spiraling back down into a pit of hopeless misery. If you are hurting, or stuck or confused -- turn to Him. He will sit with you through the pain until the sun comes up, I've felt it. 

There was a night, just a few nights ago, that I had another few hours of "I'M SUPER FLATTERED YOU THOUGHT I COULD DO THIS BUT I CAN'T. SORRY NOT SORRY". I laid there nauseous, tossing and turning, sobbing, clutching my bedding and accepting defeat. All of the sudden, through my sobs, I could hear a very calming sound coming from my window. Rain had started to fall and it soothed my soul in a way I cannot adequately describe. It was a physical representation of the tears that have been wept on my behalf by God himself, every spirit in heaven who knows me and every person here. I was reminded once again that I wasn't alone. I knew this was too heavy for me to carry by myself and I wouldn't be left for a single night to attempt it. They were carrying it right alongside me and crying with me every step of the way. Some might say coincidence, but for me it was nothing short of a miracle.

Whoever and wherever you are, little fighter that I need to keep blogging for, please keep your chin up. When your dark moments bring you to your knees, remember me and know that I'm there on the ground right beside you. Together and with God, we will be given the strength to overcome any challenge. I promise you because He has promised it.

"Even though you may appear to be outnumbered, even though it appears that all may be lost, our beloved Father in Heaven will reach out and take you by the hand. He will fight your battles. He will come to your aid.” 

Dean Davies

Day 73

I've been avoiding writing because I've been hoping to be able to report a little more progress -- but the truth is, grieving is slow and healing is not linear. Even still, I'm still here! Painting a little, reading, crying and praying. My family has been taking really good care of me and I've had a few friends stop by and visit. I'm sleeping a bit more, eating a bit more, smiling a bit more. It's very slow but I try to be thankful for every victory. 

If you've never lost anyone close to you, you cannot imagine the marathon that takes place in your brain every single day. I truly miss the pointless thoughts I used to have pre-earth-shattering event. Now it's like a shouting match in my brain between "you should just give up, this is too awful" and "there is always hope, no matter how bleak it looks" that never ends. And you can just be sitting there, or showering, or driving and the thoughts take your breath away. You can't out run them. You can't drown them out. You just have to grit your teeth and take it. 

And if the thought-war wasn't enough, there's the physical ache. And you can't sleep that out of your system, or talk it through, or hold onto your own body tight enough to get any sort of relief. The pain just becomes your companion like an unwanted, stray animal biting your ankles and never leaving your sight. It's a thing you never want to get used to but you have no other choice. 

So you stroll through Target and you try your best to make people believe that you're okay, while you're getting physically & emotionally attacked every second. Places you used to go that were so easy, thoughtless and basic become war zones. Any little thing can trigger your heart to drop into your stomach; if you stay on a thought too long you're a mess of tears at the cash register. It's so difficult and yet, you keep going. 

So here, I would just like to put in a be-sensitive-to-everyone plug because you truly don't know the battles of the people around you. Sometimes they are public and hard to hide like mine, but I think more often they are silent and for the most part, unnoticed. Be kind, be sensitive, be loving & compassionate. Please. 

I frequently imagine myself hanging on to a rope, trying to scale an enormous wall while being beaten over and over by crashing waves. I'm getting pounded and drowned and my stubborn faith is the only thing keeping me from releasing my bloody palms and white knuckles from the rope. It's exhausting, and at times, hopeless. But I promised Mitch I would not let go. So, I won't. 

Lately, I've been writing a lot of notes down in my phone when I have moments of peace and clarity. It's been helpful and good to turn to when I feel myself spiraling down. I've been thinking about human nature quite a bit, what things we share as children of God and as inhabitants of this planet. Here are a few I've found helpful to reflect on. 

1. No matter how crappy things are, we always believe better things are coming. Always. There are a million quotes saying something like, "there are far better things ahead than any we leave behind". And I've been thinking about this a lot because...sometimes there aren't. There will come a point in each of our lives, maybe we were just diagnosed with cancer or we lost our job and the next day have a heart attack. There will be a day when the good things in this life truly are behind us. And yet we hang on to this hope! Why? Because, like C.S. Lewis said, there truly are better things ahead than what we've left behind. Because, this life is not the end. Because, deep down we have the hope in an all powerful, all loving God who has prepared mansions for us, where endless happiness is ours the second we lay down our mortal bodies. You may not think you believe, but if you have hope for tomorrow then that's already a start. 

2. We laugh. Even when things are horrible and unthinkably tragic. How could this possibly be so? How can we laugh through heartbreak? Because, like our hope for tomorrow, it's the truth shining through us that this is not the end. That no matter what pain life has dished out, it is not for nothing. Eben Alexander wrote, “Humor. Irony. Pathos. I had always thought these were qualities we humans developed to cope with this so often painful and unfair world. And they are. But in addition to being consolations, these qualities are recognitions – brief, flashing, but all-important – of the fact that whatever our struggles and sufferings in the present world are, they can’t truly touch the larger, eternal beings we in truth are. Laughter and irony are at heart reminders that we are not prisoners in this world, but voyagers through it.” 

3. We believe in magic. And perhaps believe is too strong of a word, but we are drawn to believing in magic. There's a reason Harry Potter and Star Wars and Lord of the Rings are wildly successful books and films. We love the idea that amazing and unexplainable things can happen, especially to ordinary people. Why? It's not logical. And yet, we desire to believe. To me, this desire cannot be explained by anything other than our core belief in miracles. We love magic because we are magic. We were created with love, by a magical Creator, to live in this magical place where miracles happen. Things that are beyond our human comprehension have happened, and in fact, happen all the time. 

4. We love stories about the underdog. Again, there's a reason we are drawn to the story of a young boy who learns he possesses magic and uses it to defeat the Dark Lord and saves the world. The story of a regular guy, abandoned by his parents, from a desert planet who blows up the Death Star and saves the galaxy. Where the most lowly of creatures in Tolkien's universe destroys the evil ring and restores peace to the land. We love these stories because they mimic the greatest and most deeply rooted truth that is known and loved by our spirits: that Jesus Christ came to earth in the humblest of circumstances and literally saved the world from pain, sin and death. 

No matter who you are, if you have hope & you laugh & you believe in magic & you love the underdog -- you already have an understanding of your importance in this world, the implications of your loving Creator and the beauty of the plan that has been set for you. You believe these things because your spirit knows and loves them. 

And so, while the waves beat against me, I will keep believing. Until the day I lay my mortal body down, I will believe. I love you, Mitch. Today and forever. 

“I testify that on that bright, glorious morning of the First Resurrection, your loved ones and mine will come forth from the grave as promised by the Lord Himself and we will have a fullness of joy. Because He lives, they and we shall live also.” 

Shayne M. Bowen