Faith

I've always had a believing spirit. I've never really had major doubts about my faith; I've never sought any sort of concrete "evidence" for what I believe and I've never seen beyond the veil or had some incredible heavenly visitation (which isn't to say I haven't had any remarkable spiritual experiences, because especially in the last four months, I have). There are some who struggle with faith and I have certainly endured some dark times of confusion and skepticism. I know that the fear exists and to an extent, I get it. 

What if there is nothing else? What if there is no meaning, no consequences, nothing after this life. The skeptics say, "I've never seen anything I'd classify as miraculous or amazing or unexplainable, how could I believe in God?" To this I say, please look down at your hand. Spread your fingers. Close it. See how it connects to your arm, to your shoulder, your chest. Please take a moment to really examine how truly remarkable this all is. Something you (and I) take for granted constantly. You can move your body with your mind. You are a magnificent masterpiece of skin, tissue, blood and bones -- they each came together in such a way that enables you to run and jump and dream and cry and sing and laugh.

Now think about all the people you love. The way their eyes look when they laugh, the way they make you laugh. How with one look, they just get you. How they can give you a big warm hug and everything feels better. How could it POSSIBLY be that as soon as that person dies, that beautiful spirit who loves you and gets you...is gone forever? How? Why??

To me, it is clear. Our bodies were masterfully and purposefully created, as well as our spirits and the spirits of those we love. No matter how thick the darkness of doubt, the light of this truth dispels it. Our bodies, our spirits, our loved ones -- not to mention nature. These things are the true miracle of life and to me, cast out all fear that this life is the end. There is no situation where matter collided and led to the MIRACLE that is our planet, our bodies and our spirits.

If after this, doubts still cloud your worried mind, I would encourage you to read this letter.

Grief still consumes me. My hands are shaky, my mind sometimes just randomly goes blank. It's frustrating. Four months later and I'm still scared as hell. But I press forward, trusting in a God who loves me, who loves Mitch and will always have my back. A God who SO clearly has a plan for my life, and each of our lives. I have felt it. I have to believe that there is no pain He would allow me to endure that wasn't -- somehow -- worth it.

"We came to earth to face issues of mortality in the form of trials, temptations, disease, and death. It is essential for us to face personal struggles because opposition is a crucial part of Father’s plan. I suppose everybody will have some kind of an experience where they say, “I’m never going to be happy again.” "Well, we are going to be happy again. That is also a part of the plan. It’s the very nature of it. Hang on and hope. Never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. Never, ever doubt His love for you. Hold fast to the Atonement. Believe in miracles. When you’ve done all you can do, endure to the end. And remember, hope is never lost."

Jeffrey R. Holland

Come Home

The only way to get through the incredibly difficult things that life throws at you is by staying grateful. Now that I finally feel like I'm coming out of the shock and numbness of Mitch's passing, I am truly overcome with gratitude for all of the blessings in my life. I am so grateful for the people that were there immediately to scoop me up into their arms and tell me that life would be good again even when I was too hurt and scared to believe a word they said. I am so grateful for every prayer, each kind text and even the encouragement of people I've never met. I am grateful for the roof over my head and for a healthy body (even as it takes a beating from the effects of grief, I know I have the capacity to be strong again). I am so grateful for my family and wonderful in-laws who prove there is still so much good in the world. I am grateful to the Pacific Ballroom dance team for putting together a beautiful routine in Mitch's honor. I am grateful for my testimony of Jesus Christ and the eternal hope that can be found through Him. I am grateful for temples and eternal families. I am grateful for the fire that burns within me that helps me keep going, and helps me believe that someday things will be better.

And most of all, I am grateful for every second I got to spend with the most wonderful man who taught me how to love myself and others. I am grateful for the strength he passed on to me to be able to get through this terrifying thing. I am so grateful for the legacy he left and the amazing memories I will carry forever.

I am still afraid. I am still weak. I am still heartbroken. But I am also strong, capable and blessed.

My thoughts often drift back to a gorgeous summer evening two years ago. Mitch and I went to see OneRepublic and the weather was incredible. We sat on a blanket in this gorgeous amphitheater, we were engaged and life was honestly, perfect. At some point in their set, they played my favorite song of theirs, "Come Home". I remember looking at Mitch, the happiest tears welling up in my eyes because I was so grateful for him, the beautiful world, this song...everything. I was so happy to be alive in that moment. And now, when all seems lost, I think back to that perfect moment and those happy tears. And while it seems impossible now, I want those happy tears back. I want to be so thrilled to be alive and I will do whatever it takes to get there again. And then, when I've lived as fully and as beautifully as I could, I will go home to that wonderful man with the cutest curls with no regrets. I love you, Mitch.

“Whatever the difficulties confronting us, the weaknesses confining us, or the impossibilities surrounding us, let us have faith in the Son of God, who declared, “All things are possible to him that believeth.”

Neil L. Anderson