Pain Changes You

It's been said before and it's true. Once you're exposed to a certain level of pain you won't (you can't!) be the same. Ever. This truth is difficult for so many reasons. Most importantly, it's scary when the traits about yourself drift away that you thought were crucial to your identity. It becomes hard to recognize yourself in the mirror. It's terrifying. The gut reactions I have to normal situations these days freak me out; it makes me feel like I'm in a stranger's body. Like I've lost control. I try (and struggle) to breathe in the identity crisis as a normal part of this whole process. Not only are some of the parts of myself gone (maybe forever) but I was Mitch's wife! And in so many ways, I still am. But he's not here and by the world's standards, I'm not married anymore. I am a single widow. Being Mitch's wife on earth is gone from identity. So, I am wading through these confusing waters trying to figure out not only what makes me ME anymore, but where I fit on this planet without the most important person in my life.

The other unfortunate byproduct of these changes is that the people that love you most are confused about how to interact with you. It totally sucks. It takes time. It takes a ton of patience. It takes learning. Growth. But the people who really love you will stick it out through it all, I promise. Just six months away from the worst day of my life, I'm here to tell you that if you've been through tragedy, some relationships will inevitably fade and that is okay. You're a different person now. Some changes are necessary. Even if you HAVEN'T been through immeasurable pain, it happens! It's okay. Perhaps when your life evens out, you can pick up where you left off with some people. In some cases, perhaps not. Either way, it's totally okay. 

I think it's important to remember that some of these changes are permanent, and some are not. It's been a learning experience for me. I constantly have to take a step back and just BE OKAY with the "new me" or realize that some things will just take time to get back to normal.

This may be a sort of silly example but -- I used to hate dogs. Seriously. All animals, actually. I just didn't have the time or patience for their noise, mess, smell...Mitch had been slowly warming me up to the idea but I was still unsure. After Mitch (is it too weird if I say transitioned instead of died? Just stick with me, some words are still too hard) transitioned, I had a dream and the message was really clear. Get a dog. So I did! And it opened my heart in a way I didn't realize I needed it. It's made me get out of bed, focus on something other than myself/my constant pity party. Getting a puppy has had it's challenges but I am so so glad I gave in and got her. She's a wrung on the ladder to recovery and I'll always have a special place in my heart for her because of it.

I was an incredibly social person. Always planning parties, hanging out with friends, staying connected through social media. The thought of planning a get together these days makes me low key SUPER anxious. I had to leave Facebook because it was making me physically nauseous. Sometimes I just can't answer the phone or respond to a text and I don't really have an explanation for that. This is where my friend's patience with me has meant the absolute world, because trust me -- I am trying! I don't view this as a permanent change. Sure, maybe I'm slightly more introverted than I used to be. I'm cool with that. I'm actually quite impressed with myself as to how content I am now spending time alone. But I really believe that I will get back to my relationships when I feel like I have solid ground to stand on. I will probably stop getting nauseous when I see or hear about other people's lives moving on when I feel a little less consumed by this ever-so-sudden SLAMMING OF THE BRAKES that happened to me. Trust me, it's not that I'm not happy for the wonderful things that are happening for my friends, it's just the reminder that nothing is certain for me anymore. All the things that I was on the path to getting...they were taken from me. So it will just take me a minute to really accept that.

So here it is; it's going to be okay. If you're the person who is crawling back to a somewhat normal life by his/her fingernails, it will be okay. If you're the friend of someone who is crawling back, it will be okay. Inhale. Exhale. Trust God. Even when it's REALLY REALLY HARD (and believe me, I TOTALLY GET THAT). I get into this downward spiral that goes "How can I trust God when he let me down in the SCARIEST way I could have imagined??" and I've learned to quickly replace it with, "How could I NOT trust God who has put Mitch and SO SO many wonderful things in my life? Who is to say there isn't a LOT more of that coming?"

“My [daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high” 

Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-8