To the person who calls out to me for help,
I want you to know, above all else, that you can do it. The Lord has prepared you for this time. Your body and mind know what to do to heal -- you just never had to rely on it before. You have been prepared spiritually for this experience. Despite your fears about your age, emotional capacity, financial situation or family – you can do it. You will do it. You will prove to yourself over and over again how brave you truly are and how many impossible things you can conquer. I promise, you’ll look back and it will blow your mind.
Many (very well intentioned) people told me in the beginning that the first year is Hell. That it’s unbearable, unfathomable and impossible. I want to tell you that it IS possible. You will have moments of peace and joy and light that will surpass everything you thought was possible at each stage. Of course, as I’m sure you’re well aware of by now, the lows are excruciating but God will give you what you need to get through each one.
Because you will be so close to God and the Spirit during this sacred time, Satan will be with you, too. He will tell you lies. Do. Not. Believe. Him. Look for the signs. He’ll twist your stomach into knots and steal your peace. He’ll tell you that it will always feel like this. He’ll tell you that you will never truly heal and that nothing is worth this struggle. He will tell you that you don’t deserve any future happy thing in your life and that there isn’t any coming. He’ll tell you that even if they DO come, you won’t be able to enjoy them because of your loss. It is all very convincing because the pain is so intense! Please see him for what he is, a liar. You will be happy again. The storm will pass. You’ll never forget but you won’t always hurt like this.
I remember in those first few weeks, I feared how many breakdowns I’d have over the course of the next year, over the course of my life. It felt like too much, impossible to wrap my head around. It gave me so much panic and anxiety to even think about. Here’s how it’s possible: you don’t have to do them all at once. Something will trigger you, or nothing will trigger you. You’ll be in that familiar crumpled up position on the floor bawling your eyes out and in that moment, you don’t have to worry about the next time it’s going to happen. You just have to endure that time. Let yourself feel. Let yourself cry it out. Because inevitably, nothing about your loss will change but every time you pick yourself up off the floor, wipe the tears from your face and determine to keep going YOU change.
The doors that are meant for you will open. Every door that doesn’t open will still be painful, and will feel like the one you thought should have opened. Don’t give up. When the right door finally cracks, you’ll see why the other ones were locked. God is so aware of you and your journey. He doesn’t want you to endure any additional pain that can be avoided. Surrender your will to His and He will lead you to happiness, peace and joy.
“I promise that each faith-filled step will be met with help from heaven.” (Elder Randal K. Bennett) This is your mantra now. And believe me, it’s real. I’ve seen it happen countless times in the last eight months. And it’s not just “help from heaven” – it’s help from that beautiful soul that left this earth who loves you more than anything.
I wish this wasn’t true, but some people are going to be the worst. There will be people who say insensitive things and criticize your every move. They think they know what they’d do in your shoes but they have no idea. I know it’s tough but please brush them aside. Build your emotional walls higher between you and them because you don’t need that, especially during this time. The good news is that for every insensitive person, there are 10 beautiful, loving, patient people ready to lift you up. Learn the difference between these groups. Don’t be afraid to cut some people out, even just for a time. Sometimes, inexplicably, you’ll want to distance yourself from some of those beautiful, sensitive people that love you and that’s okay, too. It’s okay to protect yourself.
Eat the ice cream. Stay in bed as long as you want. Sing or pray while you do monotonous things like shower or drive so your thoughts don’t go to dark places. Stay where you are until you feel like you need to move, and then GO. Don’t let people boss you around. Listen to sad music if you want to. Watch sad movies if you want to. Cry. Scream. Break things. Write. Talk to your loved one out loud. There are many things I don’t know, but I do know this: they are listening. They hear you. I promise.
Please trust me, I get it. I know how it hurts in the deep cracks of your soul. I know you feel shattered, broken, abandoned and alone. I know the shock that shivers through your body when you think about what happened. I know how it feels like you were robbed. But listen to this part very carefully because it’s extremely important: You weren’t robbed. Your expectations were robbed. This was always the plan for you, and it is good. God loves you. You can do this. This is not for nothing. Your pain is valuable. It will change you. It can change the world.
With deep love and empathy,
Brittany Parker
