When someone tells you a personal, tragic thing:

Disclaimer: IF YOU HAVE DONE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING THINGS THAT YOU MAYBE SHOULDN'T DO, DON'T FEEL BAD. I'VE PROBABLY DONE THEM, TOO (pre-earth-shattering-event). But just for next time. (also if you've done any of these, I PROMISE I'm not holding it against you. I know what it's like to not get it. This is just a PSA)

• Don't say nothing. It's hella awkward.
• Don't immediately ask "How did he die?" or whatever question applies that's probably a little too much too soon. You're asking us to relive our worst day on this planet, process that before your own curiosity. We will open up when we're ready. If we're ready. I'm probably on the more open side, but this question still sometimes throws me.
• "I'm so sorry" is an appropriate response, and not cliche. It doesn't feel forced or fake or whatever you're worried about.
• Staring is uncomfortable, try to avoid that.
• Don't feel like you have to hide your shock and horror. We feel the same. Samesies.
• Follow up questions are good to fill the inevitable awkward space. Read the room. In some cases, if you're friends, "how are you adjusting?" is a good question but also, maybe expect tears at this. Again, this is only a good question if you really are friends and you actually care about how they are adjusting. A safe question would be, "how can I help you?" they will probably say that there's nothing you can do, but it's a nice gesture and a nice gesture is nice.
• Don't say "Let me know if you need anything" -- I've said this one a hundred times to a hundred different people, I totally feel this one. Cause you're like howwhenwherewhat can I do to help -- so I'll just maybe say something vague and general and hope they will reach out. They won't.
• Do tell a story that relates, if you want. You know a widow, sweet. I wanna know. Your brother passed away last year? That connection is definitely important and if you feel okay mentioning it, do. If you don't, we get it more than most people. But maybe avoid "I know just how you feel because my dog died" or "my grandma who was 95". Grief is grief, for sure -- but read the room, yo. That's not what a person needs to hear who is clinging onto life by their fingernails.
• Generally, stay away from "Thank goodness families are forever!" unless you've lost someone close to you -- it can come off shallow. Rule of thumb, unless you have relied on this piece of doctrine like your life literally depended on it, don't mention it. Not right away.
• Do what you can to acknowledge their pain, whatever that means for you. The most hurtful comments I've received have been ones that minimize what I'm going through. The ol' "You're young and beautiful and you'll find someone else" is well intentioned but can also read a little insensitive. Like Mitch is replaceable and all I really need is someone to step into the now-empty husband shoes, and thank goodness I'm still pretty enough to snag another. Forming new relationships is not the catalyst of healing, it is the result of healing.

Okay rant over. Happy dealing with personal and adjacent tragedies. You got this.

All the love for all of you who honestly carried me through this,

Brittany Parker