Day 48

In the depth of my sorrow, I am here to tell you that the pain, anguish, grief and despair that will inevitably come to you in this life will not be for nothing. These impossibly dark times will help you realize that everything you ever wanted to become comes at the steep price you will be called to pay. Everything you ever wanted to be is on the other side of the thing that scares you most.

I've always wanted to be brave, strong & relentless. I've always wanted to know that no matter what storms came, my feet would be firmly planted on sacred ground. I wanted to know that when the waves of adversity crashed against me, I'd have a firm grasp on the iron rod with eyes fixed on the Savior of the world, Jesus Christ. I know now.

My bravery has been born on my knees as a daughter of God weeping, inconsolable, teeth chattering and desperate for relief. My strength will be rooted in the absolute weakness of my body, mind and spirit that has overwhelmed me since the night almost everything I loved was taken away. I will be relentless in my fight against the adversary because I will NEVER FORGET the nights tightly clenching the clothing of the man I love, wet with tears and not accepting anything but my own worthiness to join him in the Celestial Kingdom. I have been asked to walk through the refiner's fire, to bear this unimaginable burden but I know I will emerge more glorious and brave and strong and relentless than I ever thought possible. My worst nightmare is no longer losing those I love in this life. My worst nightmare is not being worthy enough to stand with them and God when I return home when my mission on earth is finished. 

I still stare down an uncharted and impossibly long path of grief but I know this, at this very moment. This. is. not. for. nothing. “Pain is like fabric: The stronger it is, the more it’s worth.” (John Green, Fault in our Stars) There is no pain you will ever endure that will not result in your becoming stronger and more deserving of the blessings that await you because of it. I know there will come a day when each of us will say, "Is that all that was required?" We must have faith and trust Him who knows our hearts best. He knows our deepest desires and our capacity to endure trials on earth. He will push us TO THE BRINK but He will never leave us to do it alone and he will always reward us. "They that wait upon [Him] shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles." (Isaiah 40:31)

I will not let this tragedy define the course of my life in a negative way. For Mitch, I cannot do anything less than my absolute best. He knows I can do this and he expects me to do this. I will never, never give up. I love you today and forever, Mitch.

NEVER, EVER forget: You are a child of God who loves you immeasurably. He knows your name. He will carry you through every difficulty you will ever face. Of this, I know.

"You may be afraid, angry, grieving or tortured by doubt. But just as the Good Shepherd finds His lost sheep, if you will only lift up your heart to the Savior of the world, He will find you. He will rescue you. He will lift you up and place you on His shoulders. He will carry you home." 

Dieter F. Uchtdorf