Day 73

I've been avoiding writing because I've been hoping to be able to report a little more progress -- but the truth is, grieving is slow and healing is not linear. Even still, I'm still here! Painting a little, reading, crying and praying. My family has been taking really good care of me and I've had a few friends stop by and visit. I'm sleeping a bit more, eating a bit more, smiling a bit more. It's very slow but I try to be thankful for every victory. 

If you've never lost anyone close to you, you cannot imagine the marathon that takes place in your brain every single day. I truly miss the pointless thoughts I used to have pre-earth-shattering event. Now it's like a shouting match in my brain between "you should just give up, this is too awful" and "there is always hope, no matter how bleak it looks" that never ends. And you can just be sitting there, or showering, or driving and the thoughts take your breath away. You can't out run them. You can't drown them out. You just have to grit your teeth and take it. 

And if the thought-war wasn't enough, there's the physical ache. And you can't sleep that out of your system, or talk it through, or hold onto your own body tight enough to get any sort of relief. The pain just becomes your companion like an unwanted, stray animal biting your ankles and never leaving your sight. It's a thing you never want to get used to but you have no other choice. 

So you stroll through Target and you try your best to make people believe that you're okay, while you're getting physically & emotionally attacked every second. Places you used to go that were so easy, thoughtless and basic become war zones. Any little thing can trigger your heart to drop into your stomach; if you stay on a thought too long you're a mess of tears at the cash register. It's so difficult and yet, you keep going. 

So here, I would just like to put in a be-sensitive-to-everyone plug because you truly don't know the battles of the people around you. Sometimes they are public and hard to hide like mine, but I think more often they are silent and for the most part, unnoticed. Be kind, be sensitive, be loving & compassionate. Please. 

I frequently imagine myself hanging on to a rope, trying to scale an enormous wall while being beaten over and over by crashing waves. I'm getting pounded and drowned and my stubborn faith is the only thing keeping me from releasing my bloody palms and white knuckles from the rope. It's exhausting, and at times, hopeless. But I promised Mitch I would not let go. So, I won't. 

Lately, I've been writing a lot of notes down in my phone when I have moments of peace and clarity. It's been helpful and good to turn to when I feel myself spiraling down. I've been thinking about human nature quite a bit, what things we share as children of God and as inhabitants of this planet. Here are a few I've found helpful to reflect on. 

1. No matter how crappy things are, we always believe better things are coming. Always. There are a million quotes saying something like, "there are far better things ahead than any we leave behind". And I've been thinking about this a lot because...sometimes there aren't. There will come a point in each of our lives, maybe we were just diagnosed with cancer or we lost our job and the next day have a heart attack. There will be a day when the good things in this life truly are behind us. And yet we hang on to this hope! Why? Because, like C.S. Lewis said, there truly are better things ahead than what we've left behind. Because, this life is not the end. Because, deep down we have the hope in an all powerful, all loving God who has prepared mansions for us, where endless happiness is ours the second we lay down our mortal bodies. You may not think you believe, but if you have hope for tomorrow then that's already a start. 

2. We laugh. Even when things are horrible and unthinkably tragic. How could this possibly be so? How can we laugh through heartbreak? Because, like our hope for tomorrow, it's the truth shining through us that this is not the end. That no matter what pain life has dished out, it is not for nothing. Eben Alexander wrote, “Humor. Irony. Pathos. I had always thought these were qualities we humans developed to cope with this so often painful and unfair world. And they are. But in addition to being consolations, these qualities are recognitions – brief, flashing, but all-important – of the fact that whatever our struggles and sufferings in the present world are, they can’t truly touch the larger, eternal beings we in truth are. Laughter and irony are at heart reminders that we are not prisoners in this world, but voyagers through it.” 

3. We believe in magic. And perhaps believe is too strong of a word, but we are drawn to believing in magic. There's a reason Harry Potter and Star Wars and Lord of the Rings are wildly successful books and films. We love the idea that amazing and unexplainable things can happen, especially to ordinary people. Why? It's not logical. And yet, we desire to believe. To me, this desire cannot be explained by anything other than our core belief in miracles. We love magic because we are magic. We were created with love, by a magical Creator, to live in this magical place where miracles happen. Things that are beyond our human comprehension have happened, and in fact, happen all the time. 

4. We love stories about the underdog. Again, there's a reason we are drawn to the story of a young boy who learns he possesses magic and uses it to defeat the Dark Lord and saves the world. The story of a regular guy, abandoned by his parents, from a desert planet who blows up the Death Star and saves the galaxy. Where the most lowly of creatures in Tolkien's universe destroys the evil ring and restores peace to the land. We love these stories because they mimic the greatest and most deeply rooted truth that is known and loved by our spirits: that Jesus Christ came to earth in the humblest of circumstances and literally saved the world from pain, sin and death. 

No matter who you are, if you have hope & you laugh & you believe in magic & you love the underdog -- you already have an understanding of your importance in this world, the implications of your loving Creator and the beauty of the plan that has been set for you. You believe these things because your spirit knows and loves them. 

And so, while the waves beat against me, I will keep believing. Until the day I lay my mortal body down, I will believe. I love you, Mitch. Today and forever. 

“I testify that on that bright, glorious morning of the First Resurrection, your loved ones and mine will come forth from the grave as promised by the Lord Himself and we will have a fullness of joy. Because He lives, they and we shall live also.” 

Shayne M. Bowen