Day 85

I don't really know why I chose to start blogging as my method of coping but I know now that it was not by accident. I'm still unsure for who specifically or what exact purpose but I feel strongly that this is something I need to do. I say this because sometimes I fear I'm putting too much out there, letting people see too much of my very tender and broken heart -- but I'm working on silencing that fear. It is frightening to tell the sometimes ugly story of grief in a world that would rather brush such topics under the rug and watch puppy videos. I'm certainly not against happy puppy videos, but I'm not against the truth either. We all are so much more than what we typically post on the internet. I believe we are all far more complex, dark and twisty than we are comfortable accepting ourselves, let alone letting the world see. I believe these parts of us are important. And so, I will continue with my dark and twisty tale, its moments of peace and hope while casting it onto the backdrop of my testimony of the gospel. I do this so that we may all face our own realities, see the hope through the often cruel and unfair circumstances of our lives and make sense of this journey together. 

I have been very grateful to have few regrets about my marriage. I can honestly say I took every chance to tell Mitch I loved him, I often told him how grateful I was that he never gave up on dating me even when I made it pretty easy for him to walk away. I have never wished that I had one last chance to tell him I love him, because I KNOW he knows. I know he hears me say it in my prayers every night. And there's never been a question in my mind of how much he loves me, I am so grateful for that. Sure, we had disagreements like every couple but they couldn't even begin to touch the deep and eternal love we share for each other. Our spirits love each other and it's a connection I will always cherish.

The thing I wish I could run from is not regret, but guilt. As many times as I can tell myself "Mitch wants you to be happy. He wants you to create a new beautiful life" I cannot accept it. I have a degree in psychology for heaven's sake, but I cannot move past this crippling guilt that I know is irrational. It is so much to process. In my current state, I just cannot imagine anything worth looking forward to and it's so easy to tell myself that the best times of my life are over. I think, "sure, I can hang on...but that's it. I can keep holding on as long as it doesn't entail having to accept this reality and move on". I know how crazy that sounds but until you're in it, you can't imagine how real it feels. I remember the things I used to love, the things I used to do...but none of it appeals to me anymore. I am hoping time and prayer will be my remedy for this. I'm hoping that hanging on can suffice for now.

This tragedy has really put my priorities into perspective. I've traded in my few minutes of daily prayer, study and meditation for hours. I've traded in reading dumb Buzzfeed articles for general conference talks, the scriptures and books on the hereafter. I listen to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir pandora station on days that aren't Sunday. It has changed my life and my relationship to God. I don't think it's something I can keep up forever (at this level) and I don't even think God would expect me to because there are other things that are also important (career goals, friendships, etc.) that have taken the back burner in my life for now. All of these changes have really occurred so naturally in a way I would not have anticipated. When everything hurts, it's natural to gravitate towards anything that can provide even momentary relief. These are my things. I hope I will keep them a top priority throughout my life.

But, dear reader, you've learned by now that I will be nothing but honest here. These things do not take the pain away. They cannot and they will not because the pain is important. The pain changes you. But! They do help, I promise. I've tried many different avenues of distraction from the pain, and I promise you the basic seminary answers really are the most effective. There isn't enough ice cream in the world or episodes of Friends to keep you from spiraling back down into a pit of hopeless misery. If you are hurting, or stuck or confused -- turn to Him. He will sit with you through the pain until the sun comes up, I've felt it. 

There was a night, just a few nights ago, that I had another few hours of "I'M SUPER FLATTERED YOU THOUGHT I COULD DO THIS BUT I CAN'T. SORRY NOT SORRY". I laid there nauseous, tossing and turning, sobbing, clutching my bedding and accepting defeat. All of the sudden, through my sobs, I could hear a very calming sound coming from my window. Rain had started to fall and it soothed my soul in a way I cannot adequately describe. It was a physical representation of the tears that have been wept on my behalf by God himself, every spirit in heaven who knows me and every person here. I was reminded once again that I wasn't alone. I knew this was too heavy for me to carry by myself and I wouldn't be left for a single night to attempt it. They were carrying it right alongside me and crying with me every step of the way. Some might say coincidence, but for me it was nothing short of a miracle.

Whoever and wherever you are, little fighter that I need to keep blogging for, please keep your chin up. When your dark moments bring you to your knees, remember me and know that I'm there on the ground right beside you. Together and with God, we will be given the strength to overcome any challenge. I promise you because He has promised it.

"Even though you may appear to be outnumbered, even though it appears that all may be lost, our beloved Father in Heaven will reach out and take you by the hand. He will fight your battles. He will come to your aid.” 

Dean Davies